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Killjoy’s Big 50

Wednesday, May 24th, 2006

Wednesday

Quote of the Day: “That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, ‘It’s cool, he’s with me.’”

- Mitch Hedburg

Since Killjoy is gone with my wife to Rhode Island and she was damn fool enough to give me her password so I could guest-post, I think this might be some of my finest work.

I know she’ll get a bug in her bonnet over SOMETHING in the future and this will go away on her site so I’m recreating it here on my blog. That, and I’m too lazy to come up with something original today.


The Big 50

Things You Don’t Know About Me by Killjoy (Ghost-written by Viper).

1. I have 11 toes. All on my right foot.

2. Claire is missing a toe. It was delicious.

3. I’m the illegitimate love child of Ronald McDonald and Clifford.

4. Claire’s was actually fathered by Jerry Ryan. We were drinking and things got out of hand.

5. I know for a fact that Starbucks actually does enemas, but you have to ask.

6. Men used to give me business cards when I was a flight attendant. I papier-mâchéd the interior of my house with them and used the rest as house insulation.

7. For years, I sustained myself on the tears of my boyfriends. Tasty AND nutritious!

8. If you were to connect all my freckles with a pen, I would look like Wesley Snipes.

9. I secretly envy Viper’s running abilities. I keep a secret journal trying to capture my endless awe at his accomplishments.

10. I told people that my former job in St Louis was as a “researcher.” I was actually working for the CIA but when they sent me undercover, I took it way too literal.

11. I’m not gonna tell you what my first job was in high school but it involved singing “Kiss” in a big bubble bath. Here’s proof.

12. When my hair talks, people listen. If not, people die.

13. I adhere to the Spock approach to parenting. If Claire gets out of line, Vulcan neck pinch, Baby!

14. A Ford Focus can go 164 miles per hour, not that I ever tried….

15. I have problems pronouncing words like “syrup” and “almonds”, partially due to a cleft palate and hairlip situation I cover with makeup.

16. I drunk-blog all the time. If that’s wrong, I don’t wanna be a banana.

17. In real life, I can’t get through a sentence without the filthiest, most vulgar words peppering my conversation which makes reading to Claire at night an eff’in’ education.

18. My daughter’s cat, Rudy, can do three somersaults with only one kick. Four if it’s before I get to Starbucks.

19. Viper’s dog, Buster is convinced I’m his momma because we have the same coat. And breath.

20. My code word for “HOT!” is “nerd.” Don’t tell Viper.

21. I steal a lot of music off the Internet. And I mean A LOT, mostly gangsta rap despite being the whitest person on the face of the globe.

22. I have a tattoo of Molly Ringwald over my entire body.

WhatEVER
(WhatEVER!)

23. I pee standing up. Facing the toilet.

24. I throw horns like Elaine Benes dances. It’s painful for people to watch.

25. Viper once let Claire eat an Oreo milkshake off his spoon. I’m still convulsing over that only because I’m a maniacal germaphobe.

26. If you see me with a baseball cap on, that means I lost that morning’s session of “Hair War” but I managed to beat it back under the hat. It most likely involved a lot of snarling and the waving of a torch.

27. I’m good with kids, as long as they sit their annoying little asses down and shut the hell up.

28. I love sno-cones. Especially when no one’s watching.

29. As long as you are sensitive to my insensitivity, we will get along fine. If not, I will gouge out your eyes with scissors and fill the wounds with battery acid. Questions?

30. I bring really bad offerings to potlucks so they won’t ask me to bring anything ever again.

31. Brandy makes Claire very quiet on long road trips. Bourbon works too.

32. After Rudy peed on Claire’s bed, I returned the favor. Unfortunately, he sleeps with Claire so it seemed somewhat counterproductive.

33. I had to Photoshop washout lighting to my blog pic to hide a goiter on my neck. I call it “Rufus.”

34. If a state trooper pulls you over and says he’ll rip up the ticket if you make out with him, don’t believe him.

35. Powers-of-Attorney are really useful. So I’m told.

36. I don’t wear any undergarments because I was told it supports Operation Enduring Freedom.

37. I detest any form of manual labor. But I love Manuel labor. Tee hee.

38. I once went to a tanning salon and got fried from head to foot. It was the worst 4 seconds of my life.

39. I do laundry with giant metal tongs and dressed in a level 7 chemical suit.

40. I don’t do drugs. Unless you count crack, horse, marijuana, speed, PCP, cocaine, glue, heroin, methamphetamine, and the blood of puppies injected right into my veins.

(a negative of me)

41. My true role model is Kellie Pickler. I only wish I could aspire to her intellectual acumen.

42. I won’t watch Braveheart because its greatness might cause me to go blind.

43. I was once hypnotized in Vegas. Whenever I hear the word “Starbucks” I have a debilitating physiological reaction I can’t talk about.

44. Because of #43, I’m in a constant state of dehydration.

45. The only magazine I subscribe to is Redbook because they told me it was about redheads. Again, if I could only be more Pickleresque.

46. I think dental hygiene is a scam perpetrated by toothpaste manufacturers and therefore never brush my teeth. Ever.

47. If my cell phone disrupted the pacemakers of those around me, well, it’s been nice knowing ya. Whatever, with your “…can’t breath…” Get a better pacemaker, you’re causing static on my cell.

48. I only celebrate my birthday month because a birthday season seemed needy.

49. I could open my own weight loss business. People could just hire me to cook for them and in no time, they would look like Nicole Richie guest starring on Survivor.

50. My blog is much more interesting when Viper guest/ghost writes. I should have him do it more often. I hope he didn’t create a backdoor and add himself as a contributor.

Free Advice for Today: “Take your child on a tour of a local university.”

- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

14 Comments - Join in the conversation below

  1. Parts of that, okay, most of that was deeply hysterical. And I read it where you originally posted it. Quite funny.

    Comment by Lily — May 30, 2006 @ 11:09 pm

  2. the tooth picture is still mega-gross! Just eww!

    Comment by P2B12 / Pam — May 31, 2006 @ 8:30 am

  3. yeah you’re a dead man when she gets back…

    Comment by Stewart — May 31, 2006 @ 6:07 pm

  4. Why thank you, Lily. Can you believe it’s some of my best work and Killjoy doesn’t even appreciate it? I don’t know why.

    Comment by Administrator — May 31, 2006 @ 8:54 pm

  5. Pam, that’s actually Killjoy. And that was an “after” pic!

    Comment by Administrator — May 31, 2006 @ 8:55 pm

  6. Stewart, I found her almost hyperventalating with laughter when she got back.

    Comment by Administrator — May 31, 2006 @ 8:56 pm

  7. Shut up, I said I thought it was funny. Geez. I might have to remove that picture of the teeth though, that’s some nasty stuff. Did you notice the one gray hair on that person’s chinny chin chin? Sickening.

    Comment by Killjoy — June 1, 2006 @ 7:46 am

  8. Killjoy, it just looks like a scratch on the pic. But if you want to remove that grey hair from your chin, yeah, that would probably be good.

    Comment by Administrator — June 1, 2006 @ 9:06 pm

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