How Did I Get Here?

Friday

This morning started with an excited Killjoy who, with access to the internet last night courtesy of the hotel we stayed in last night, came up with a grand idea.

Basically she remembered that the town that Napoleon Dynamite was filmed in was in Idaho. She further researched (because it’s like her job or something) the location of this town since we were rolling through Idaho today and had the banner idea to stop there.

“It’s only like 36 miles off our route.”

To her, 36 miles was nothing. The time it would take her to tell a short story. Or tame 1/4567th of her hair. But for me, driving Truckasaurus with Uranus in tow through steep, windy mountains was another story. But since everyone was so damned excited about it, I guess I could go along and act like I was somewhat interested.

When we finally pulled into the town, I had maneuvered the rig through hills and twists only seen in Dr. Seuss books. We made it pulled into a gas station where I parked while the others headed off to the Chamber of Commerce on the advice of the local gas baron.

They retrieved a map that showed where all the places were where they filmed parts of the movie. But here’s the deal: this was a way-back-in-the-woods area with the small town xenophobia and shunning of outsiders you only see in movies like Deliverance. We were strangers and it became evident that they were none too happy about the fact that this cult-classic was filmed here and brought curious onlookers, the likes of such oddities as a Marine, two women, three children, and a dog in three vehicles.

There was not one sign, plaque, poster, or any other identifying indication that Napoleon Dynamite was filmed there. Most places would have cashed in on the success (however short lived) such a film would bring but it seemed they had gone out of their way to distance themselves from the movie. The ONLY thing that connected this town to the movie was this $1.00 map on sale at the Chamber of Commerce.

The first attempt at stargazing was Napoleon’s house but after chasing the wild goose, we came up empty. It seems that we got what we paid for with the map and maybe it was their little revenge for their unwanted notoriety.

Next, we decide to visit Tina, the fat lard.

OK, first, I cannot mention “Tina” without tacking on “the fat lard” to it. Even when speaking I have to say it just like Napoleon so don’t expect me to stop. It’s just the way it is.

If shedding the notoriety was strange thing #1, then #2 has to be that Tina (the fat lard) does not live by Napoleon’s house like in the movie. She lives in a field and the weird thing here is, as I mentioned before, there is no indication of her celebrity at all. We followed the map and came to a big field along the road in the middle of nowhere. We simply pulled over to the side of a long, open road and there in a field separated by a three-strand barbed-wire fence was… Tina (the fat lard).

No hoopla, no sign, just a field with a llama. More precisely, two llamas which brought up the confusion of just which one was Tina (the fat lard).

So to recap, it was movie magic that placed the field Tina (the fat lard) lived in next to Napoleon’s house. She really lived in the middle of nowhere with no indication that this beast was a cult in her own right.

I just couldn’t believe I was standing next to THE Tina (the fat lard) and it was pretty much anti-climatic; it was just a llama in a field. I don’t know what I expected but it seemed too easy. There she was.

Yes folks, I was star struck by a llama.

We took pictures and got as near as we dared. Tina (the fat lard) is a disgusting animal and I just knew she would have nipped, bit, or spit on me the first chance she got so we kept our distance. But this didn’t stop me from calling her a fat lard about a billion times much to the dismay of the others.

By the time we left, we still couldn’t figure out which one was THE Tina (go ahead and add it, you know what belongs here).

We bid our farewells to Tina (go ahead. One last time…) and headed to Pedro’s house.

Here is where I start to break down in the knowledge department. I have to admit that I only saw the movie once a long time ago so the sights were not as familiar as they would be to the uber-geek who’s memorized every frame of the movie. I did vaguely remember Pedro’s house and we made a discovery at this point:

These were real houses and people actually live in them. No movie magic here, they are real houses and as such, we couldn’t just walk up and take pics so we would drive up, roll a window down, and do kind of a drive-by.

While driving to our next destination (the school),

We noticed something else: this town has the widest friggin’ streets I have ever seen in any city in my entire life. It was nuts. I’m talking like a 5-lane freeway. Cars were parked at the curb and there was still like 4 lanes to drive down. Once you noticed it, it looked really crazy.

We decided to give old Napoleon’s house one more shot and we eventually found it. It was nothing like we expected because in the movie, you see him walking down the street in his neighborhood and up to his house but in real life, the house is out in the middle of nothing. Fields all around and you guessed it, someone lived there.

I can only figure that someone knew someone and they said “Hey, come film it in this little town. We can use the local houses and fix it up in post-production.”

After gaping at the house for a few minutes, we unceremoniously drove on and bid farewell to good old Preston Idaho and would our way back down the hills to get back to the main freeway.

We made it to Boise where we imposed on my mentor, Shane, and his family. We had imposed on them before over the years but this time, they had dogs instead of kids. No, no terrible accident. The kids just became adults and moved out.

Flush from the excitement of the Napoleon experience, we stayed up late visiting with some of our oldest friends (take that any way you want). We had to kind of explain the presence of a redhead and her kid but it was cool since back when Shane had hair, it was red too.

Shane retired from the Army but spent 13 of his years as a Marine and as a former Drill Instructor and the fact that he fought in the first Gulf War, he was, is, and will always be a true Marine. The Army thing was just a phase. Kinda like college experimentation.

These days, Shane is doing what Shane needs to be doing: personal trainer. And no, not “personal trainer” as in escort by another name, he actually trains people. He has his degree and is looking to get some space and equipment to open his own gym. If anyone can succeed at this, it’s Shane. Many years ago he took a withered Corporal from the Gulf War who couldn’t bench 30 pounds and a year later had him benching 315. He had three rules:

1. Work out 6 times a week
2. Never an excuse to miss a workout
3. Stick with it for a year

I was never the same and I have him to thank for it.

LUCKY!

Free Advice for Today: “Schedule your bachelor party at least two days before your wedding.”

This entry was posted on Friday, June 23rd, 2006 at 11:23 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.