How Did I Get Here?

Friday

I like pizza.

Of course I do, I am an American and I have taste buds, don’t I? I think you would be hard pressed to find someone who was like “You know what, I really HATE pizza. I mean, all that dough, cheese, meat, and sauce. Like shit in my mouth, I tell you.”

Normally, a Friday or Saturday night is ripe for grabbing a pizza and sitting at home with the fam and watching a movie. It’s one of the most American of American things to do simply because after a hard week, there is nothing better than chilling at home with a pie, a movie, and the ones you love.

So you can imagine my disdain when we make this commitment and end up on the bad end of a new pizza. Carrie, being the more adventurous among us to try something new, heard of a new pizza joint and decided tonight was the night to try it out.

You have to understand that eating a pizza is a big splurge for me and totally goes outside the lines of my diet so when I do falter, it better be worth it.

Tonight, it wasn’t.

The pizza we got was less-than-optimal. The crust was doughy and not built up at the ends. I like the crusts so this was one of the many drawbacks of this particular pizza style.

The meat was in big chunks and not evenly distributed. The cheese was too rubbery.

To add insult to injury, Carrie informs me that it cost $40 for two pizzas.

FORTY BUCKS?!!!

For bad pizza? That’s like a kick in the nuts with a cowboy boot.

Well, that will be the LAST time this particular pizza joint (and I use that term very liberally) will ever get any of my income. It made the forbidden list.

Maybe the movie would make up for it, right?

Jackass 2.

What was really strange is that on the way home from work, I was talking to my brother as we often do and he was telling me all about this movie. This is right up his alley and because we share the same genetic makeup, I have to admit that these movies make me laugh out loud even though I feel like taking a Lysol bath and going to church afterwards.

When I got home, Carrie had picked up a movie and without the knowledge of the conversation I had just had with my brother, she happened to have Jackass 2 waiting on the kitchen table.

She is spooky like that.

I could go on about each scene but then the post would be longer than the last one with all the music.

Suffice it to say, I crossed my legs hard at the first scene and screamed throughout most of the other ones. I rewound almost every scene and did quite a bit of freeze-framing, much to the chagrin of my family.

That was the other thing. Chris told me they had a rated and an unrated version. Carrie had got the rated version on the premise that the kids would be able to watch it. Chris told me of a couple of scenes that would obviously be left out of the rated version so we all sat down together with a couple of shit-tasting $40 pizzas and started the DVD.

Yeah, I don’t know what they left out of the rated version that would only make it into the unrated version but I can’t imagine what that would be. Every scene Chris talked about was in the rated version. My daughter watched most of this movie with her hands over her eyes. Obviously, Alex was enthralled.

So yeah, I’m a horrible human being for letting my kids watch this. Maybe if they see the most intense stupidity one can imagine, they will learn something like what not to do. I know that they at least learned a few things I won’t mention.

Penis farm.

(OK, I had to mention that one)

Free Advice for Today: “Learn how to show enthusiasm, even when you don’t feel like it.”

This entry was posted on Friday, March 9th, 2007 at 12:50 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.