How Did I Get Here?

Wednesday

What was I for Halloween?

A sore, grumpy putz. It took me all day to get into costume but I pulled it off.

OK, first, for those of you that are curious, yes, I was sore today. If by “sore” you mean having battery acid coursing through my veins and even my earlobes hurting, yes, by God, I was sore.

Putting on socks was like making strudel in the dark.

Squatting onto the toilet was akin to advanced calculus taught in German. Really tough, painful, and the probability of success was negligible.

I had a tough day at work I don’t even want to write about so I’ll skip right to the evening where I was a Laz-E-Boy warrior, pretty much trying to keep the spittle from dripping off my chin.

My beautiful daughter dressed up as Cleopatra and then bounded off with her friends. I would not see her until later but thus is the life as a father of a teenage daughter on Halloween. I think I got a short hug which was worth the 90,000 volts of pain as she quickly hugged me before anyone saw.

The boy donned what he always wears on Halloween. It’s a black hooded cape with a mesh face and glowing eyes underneath. He, too, disappeared with his friends which left Carrie, Buster, and me to hand out the goodies.

OK, it was Carrie. I sat in the chair and held Buster’s leash when the little ghosts and goblins came to the door. Buster, of course, barked and got his stupid hackles up every time Carrie opened the door. He strained against the leash which sent more voltage of pain through my body.

A far cry from past Halloween nights.

As a kid, I was always Superman. Always. And since we were poor, Halloween was the one night where we would get a candy windfall that would last a month. With my kids, not such a big deal since they can go to the candy box in the kitchen and get just about anything they want whenever they want.

What? We have to go out and get candy door to door? Why don’t we just stay here and eat what we have in the house? It’s better than the crap other people give out.

Then there was the year in Monterey when I took Stephanie to a house that was having a party. But they were foreigners so it wasn’t a Halloween party, just a regular get-together party. They had no idea of the concept of Halloween. Do you know what it’s like to try to explain to an Asian man why I was walking around my daughter in a costume and expecting him to give her some candy?

Or the year I ran the Marine Corps Marathon on Halloween and all the costumes the people wore. That night I got back to my house late, sore, and had to go over to friends’ house while all the kids trick-or-treated together.

Or the year I called the radio station and got the DJ to unknowingly accuse my best friend of punching the clown. It is explained here.

Or the year my brother was visiting us and when he answered the door with candy bowl in hand, he asked a little kid what he was dressed up as, the kid gave a really smartass answer. Something like “I’m Hulk Hogan, what do you THINK I am?”

Chris was speechless but later said he was stifling his answer which went something like “I THINK I’m gonna kick your little ass…”

But probably the best memory is the year we took our toddlers to the mall in Washington and realized we had dressed them up as a lamb and a lion. They konked out cuddled up to each other in the stroller and it was perfect.

Free Advice for Today: “Change your car’s oil and filter every three thousand miles regardless of what the owner’s manual recommends.”

This entry was posted on Wednesday, October 31st, 2007 at 12:56 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.