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Seahawks, Shysters, and Shawshankers

Sunday, January 10th, 2010

Quote of the Day: “Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.”

- Gail Godwin

Hey look, I’m a sports guy.

Well, not really, that would be my brother. He can spout off just about anything you want to know about football but I just catch the wavetops and most of the time, not even that.

But big news here in Seattle even I heard about: Jim Mora, the head coach of the Seahawks, just got canned after only one year.

Earlier in the season, most notably when my brother and I attending a shellacing administered by the Buccaneers, I summoned all of my analyst abilities and determined the Hawks needed three things:

1. A new offensive line to stop just about any opposing team and probably a Brownie Troop or two from handing Hasselbeck his lunch every play.

2. To send “HasNoSack” to wherever NFL quarterbacks go to die (ESPN)

3. Tell Jim “Markey Mark” Mora thanks but buh-bye.

I stand by #1. Our offensive line has let more men pass than Paris Hilton’s undies.

I reconsidered #2 and am on the fence because if they fix #1, maybe HasToSack is not the crumbling mess he appeared to be every Sunday.

Also up there on the fence was my thoughts about #3. I mean, the guy inherited a big steaming pile of Seahawk butt-spew and only had one year with no offensive line and a QB that ended up on his back more than the aforementioned Ms. Hilton.

But when I heard he got canned, I felt kind of bad. I read how he was from the area and it had been a dream of his to coach the Hawks since he was a kid. I had not considered how much of a slap in the face it would be to dump him after one year until it happened. I mean, hell, even the President gets 4 years to fix things no matter how broken they are.

But then I read he still gets $12 million so you know what, Jimbo? Just whip out a hundred dollar bill and wipe your tears away. The mighty dollar isn’t everything but 12 million of them can soothe like you read about.

Today’s entry for “Things That Piss Me Off” …. Phishing spam.

I know, I know, it’s here to stay and everyone hates it but it’s not even the fact that I get it. It’s the fact that it is so bad at what it is trying to do.

In the last two days, I have received email that borders on retardation.

One informed me that a card was intercepted by the US Post Office with a million dollars on it and that I had to fill out some form in Spain to release the card. For a fee of only $139, I was assured the card would be released and sent to my home.

The spelling was bad. The verbiage and grammar was way off. Plurals were omitted. They even gave an “official email contact” that was a GMail address. Then it gave a “Secure Email Address” which was the SAME GMail account.

I try to imagine a scenario where someone would actually believe this, get all excited, and send money, information, or whatever these numbnuts were phishing for.

The other email was just as stupid and had a subject line of “YOUR FUND HAS BEEN SENT.”

You mean my fundS?

So to believe any of these, you have to think along one of these lines:

1. OK, someone ACCIDENTALLY sent me a million dollars. They obviously think I am that person so if I keep this ruse going, they will send me this money from another country, I will get it, and no one will be the wiser while I wipe my ass with $100 bills for the rest of my life.

2. Someone wants to get a sum of millions into the US and wants me to be an intermediary. They want to deposit it into my bank account and then somehow send a portion of that back to them. For my troubles, I get to keep a cool million. Sounds plausible and completely legal to me!

3. A soldier came into possession of a large amount of gold or other valuable antique while fighting in (insert country we are currently kicking ass in) and needs my help to get it back to the states. This is obviously pillaged from some other very bad person so there is no moral dilemma for taking it off their dirty hands.

I could go on but what is the point?

Well, as horrendously stupid and poorly executed as these set-ups may be, they would not continue if there were’t some nimrods out there swallowing the hooks along with the lure made out of hooks.

Oh, one more item popped up on the idiot radar:

Fucktarded: it seems some people are challenging the law that says inmates can’t vote.

Fucktardeder: they are invoking a voting law that prevents disenfranchised minorities from being denied the right to vote.

Fucktardedest: They are putting this together by saying so many black men are incarcerated that denying them to vote is breaking the law.


Ok, first of all, my God, where do I start.

Well, allow me to point out that seems pretty racist in itself. Men are in prison because they broke the law, not because they are black.

Second, NO prisoner should have the right to vote. You break the law, you have given up your right to participate. Voting is a privilege, one that is TAKEN AWAY when you break the law of the land and end up in jail. Period. End of debate.

Third: Are they saying ALL prisoners are black? No, they are not. And guess what, those non-black prisoners don’t get to vote either. The voting laws prevent the right from being denied based on race or color. But once you break the laws seriously enough to land your law-breaking butt in prison, well, I don’t care if you are animal, mineral, or plant. You ain’t votin’!

This seems like a no-brainer but I’m starting to believe there are no such things. That we must even debate this is mind-shattering.

What’s next, are we going to consider letting pedophiles work in daycares?

Do what you want, I got a million bucks coming my way after I send this $136 money order out, Suckas!

Free Advice for Today: “Before buying that all-important engagement ring, find out all you can about diamonds by calling (800) 340-3028. The American Gem Society will send you a booklet that will answer some of your questions.”

- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

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