How Did I Get Here?

Quote of the Day: “A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp.”

Since I’m now addicted to Failblog.org, I have to write today’s blog in that spirit (although for those of you that have been reading my swill for years know that the whole FAIL! concept was always a large portion of my writing without any outside influence.)

Today’s fail is “Gym Stud Fail.”

You see, I was just trying to get my back-and-bicep workout done today and in swaggered Gym Stud.

How did I know? As I said under my breath while smirking and shaking my head “There always has to be one..”

Now before you all throw heat my way, let it be known that I don’t look down upon the less-than-stellar that attend my gym. Fat Housewife is at least there trying to do something about it.

Even Wheelchair Guy is cool if only because, hey, he doesn’t take up any of the leg machines.

And the advanced aged, or “The Cocoons,” mostly keep to themselves in the activity room doing, am I am not kidding here, group exercise in chairs.

No, the only one that really irks me is Gym Stud.

Let me tick of the qualifiers which this Super Gym Stud nailed:

- Overly developed upper body = works only the “show muscles”
- Spindly little stick legs = why would you work legs when you can work on chesticles?
- despite early 20s, thinning hair thick with gel = “settle down ladies…”
- Thinning hair pushed up into some kind of fauxhawk = “THAT’S RIGHT, I’m dangerous!”
- Pencil thin facial hair outlining jaw = “I Wanna Sex YOU Up. Yeah YOU!”
- Walks out of the changing room with weightbelt and gloves already on = “Time to walk the walk, Ladies.”
- Walks toward the free weight area with a swagger = “Behold, ladies, because you are looking, and I know you are, at something FREAKIN’ AWESOME!

OK, so obviously I hate this guy from the moment I laid eyes on him. But I can’t seem to get very far from him because we seem to use machines near to each other.

The final straw was when I was on a flat bench and I heard the tell-tale sound of someone lifting for show: heavy dumbbells thudding on the floor.

Look, Mr. Freakin’ Awesome, if you can’t handle the dumbbells, don’t pick the bigger ones up. And by “handle” I mean setting them down after doing chest presses (of course) without dramatically letting them do their best to get to China the hard way. We don’t want to hear the bell tower ring every time you lose control of the weight you obviously can’t manage.

Oh, and one more thing, we don’t want to hear your animalistic grunts. Yeah, we know you are working your freakin’ awesome pecs and you are really straining some short-shitting weight (because we hear you dropping the dumbbells after each set) but nobody cares. Really. You have a fake, gelled-up Mohawk, a pin-striped, Color Me Badd face wanting to Sex Everyone Up, little underdeveloped stick-legs, and you are making a spectacle/ass of yourself while you strut through the gym with your weightbelt and lifting gloves on because you are FREAKIN’ AWESOME!

Just … go away and take your testicle starter set with you. Thanks.

Speaking of sadness, I saw Ringo Starr on The Daily Show and he sang.

Aren’t you the Beatle who they turned your mic off while you drummed?

It was really a sad sight because along with your complete lack of vocal ability and even greater lack of front-man dancing (awkwardly shifted his weight back and forth to each leg), you are one-fourth of the greatest band that ever performed and one-half of the ones still alive. Yet still you get up and sing “With A Little Help From My Friends” which you never had a vocal part and you leave us with this weird “Well, he IS a Beatle but that was not even close to the Lennan/McCarthy classic sound” taste in our collective mouth.

And just to show I’m an equal opportunity ridiculer (wow, that didn’t even pop up a misspelling! Did I install a Jasonbonics add-on to my Word dictionary?), Ringo was joined by a guy named Ben Harper who, in my mind was, oh yeah the lead singer who sang “Brick” until I realized that was Ben Folds Five.

You would think I was done dinging on people but there was the second American Idol on last night and I just can’t pass something like that up.

Of course the big news is the 67-year-old vet who sang “Pants On The Ground” which instantly set the blogosphere on fire and I have no doubt it will be everywere very soon. He may even get a 15-minute “William Hung” celebrity status out of it.

Funny story, I saw a Facebook friend had posted “Lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground…LOL” and was utterly confused why a Christian mother and wife of a good high school friend would post this.

It wasn’t until hours later that it made sense because she lives in the Midwest and had seen the show a couple of hours before I did.

I weep for my generation.

(Note: I troll Google Images and shamelessly steal what I find for these blog pics and I want to announce, I was subjected to an inordinate and disgusting amount of gay porn while researching the pics for this entry. I will now attempt to swab the short-term memory area of my brain with an acid-soaked Q-Tip.)

Free Advice for Today: “Visit the Biltmore estate in Asheville, North Carolina, during the spring tulip festival.”