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Pro Toilet Bowl

Sunday, January 31st, 2010

Quote of the Day: “All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.”

- Unknown

Doesn’t count!

I never really noticed it before but it makes sense, even though it disgusts me.

The “Pro Bowl” is a weak sister excuse for a professional football game.

Logically, I know why this is:

- God forbid that a high quality player should get hurt while playing what amounts to an exhibition game.

- Performing in the Pro Bowl is not the big goal here: it’s GETTING to the Pro Bowl so that forever and a day, the player will have the “Pro Bowl player” tacked on to his name.

- There are not really two teams: there are just a bunch of good individual players which means the game is going to suck.

Now, I am a mid-level fan, as opposed to a hardcore, paint-your-face and curse your existence if your team doesn’t win, fan. And even to ME, the reality that the football season is coming to an end brings a certain desperation.

The Pro Bowl, normally played AFTER the Super Bowl, is that last morsel of football before many long months without the pigskin being snapped.

This year, they moved it, squeezing it between the playoffs, or what I like to call the Blood-Letting since big, mean dudes are throwing themselves around wrecklessly and creating violent Gladiator-style entertainment that is almost unparalleled, and the Super Bowl.

So right off the bat, they pumped the pooch. Yes, yes, they threw us a bone between the playoffs and the Big Game but speaking for myself, I would rather have that little nugget AFTERWARDS when I’m staring down the barrel of many barren months without football.

Second, the lameness that is the Pro Bowl performances are somewhat overlooked when the game is the last football to be seen in months. When you move it between between the arguably most intense played games of the year, it makes the Pro Bowl seem like the soap-dropper.

On top of all this, they moved it to Florida.

I don’t know how I feel about that so I will split my personality on this one:

Con: the players always use this as a free trip to Hawaii each year, upping the spoils of getting to the Pro Bowl. After many months of long, arduous schedules, the family gets to reconnect in the paradise that is Hawaii.

Pro: Cry me a river, you rich bastards. You earn MILLIONS so use some of that to go to the friggin’ moon, as far as I’m concerned. I’m sure one trip for you and your family to Hawaii isn’t going to even show up as a blip on your financial radar. And you are allowed to be in the PRO BOWL, and forever be known as a PRO BOWL PLAYER. You haven’t the room to bitch, my friends.

But since I do have male chromosomes, I watched the game because it is football and the party will soon be over.

How disappointed I was.

They were hardly hitting each other! They were helping each other up, smiling, and patting each other on the butt.

On one extra point attempt, they didn’t even make CONTACT!!!!!!

It is sad to watch defenders give up at the end of plays, rushers give half-assed efforts to get to the QB, and to see the general lethargy. Why even play the damn game? I want to see the blood, violence, and career-ending injuries I’ve come to love and expect from professional football.

Sheesh, what is a violence-addicted gorilla to do?

Free Advice for Today: “Watch a video on CPR and emergency first aid with your family.”

- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

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