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Moving Violation

Monday, March 22nd, 2010

Quote of the Day: “I have not lost my mind – it’s backed up on disk somewhere.”

- Unknown

Today, I decided I had better start getting some miles in so I revisted my old friend, the 5-mile run on the treadmill.

You know what is worse than 5 miles on a dreadmill?

Not much.

OK, don’t flood me with things like “Not having legs” for God’s sake. Let me bitch at will, thank you very much.

So after 5 miles, I think I would have chosen death behind door #1, Chuck. I was wet from head to toe and was making sounds I would rather not admit to. It just never gets easier.

After I was done and suitably depressed that 5 miles kicked me around like a little bitch, I got cleaned up and went to my next medical appointment.

This one was a doosy.

I got to the full body, stand there in your underwear and feel like an idiot, treatment. It shouldn’t have been a shock but I really don’t feel all that good about my body these days. I have let the retirement pounds creep in and as indicated by the 5-mile ass stomping I just took, my fitness is nowhere near where I want it to be.

As though the whole nude fashion show was not demeaning enough, the doctor punctuated the exam with the dreaded “You will feel a little pressure….”

Yes, folks, the doctor felt the need to go where no one has gone before.

And as an added little bonus, the doctor was a “she” (why does it ALWAYS have to be a she?)

Oh, and we are not done. Because she was a she, it was against the law to be alone when doing such a procedure so she had to go get a nurse.

As though it wasn’t bad enough that I was getting knuckle-deep treatment from a woman I just met but now, her friend was required by law to join in the fun so instead of one women witnessing my emasculation, there were TWO.

Would it be too much to ask that they don’t talk about the episode of Lost that they watched last night? I guess so.

After it was done, the doctor pointed toward a box of tissues and told me a could clean up, get dressed, and leave.

Man, did that suck.

There I was with a rather uncomfortable slimy feeling but I was being dismissed after getting violated.

Walking out of that office was so much like a walk of shame. I was still more lubricated than I was comfortable with and I felt like a victim walking out of the office.

“Oh, Mr. Grose?”

What the …. I just wanted to slime out with my shame ….

“Here is your mileage check.”

It seems that since the office is more than 10 miles from my house, I get reimbursed for my gas.

So just in case you missed it, I had just got anally probed by one woman as another watched, I was dismissed, and now was being slid $10 on the way out.

I have never felt more like a whore.

Free Advice for Today: “Learn the rules. Then break some.”

- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

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